fork, spoon, knife in the road

It's interesting to see the progress I've made as a human being. Perhaps it's not progress so much as evolution. Lately, I've been wondering if I have made the right choices in my life, if I have been treading the correct path. When I was young, my mother told me to walk the straight and virtuous path, for it was straight and virtuous. However, as expected, I chose my own. One that has been winding, bumpy, and full of potholes. I've had great adventures with amazing people in various places of the world. I've made fantastical discoveries about human nature and life itself. Yet, it seems to come down to the proverbial grass on the other side. Is there more? Is there reason and cause for that straight road?

Browsing through pictures of friends who have taken this path: marriage, family, mortgage, I find myself wondering if I could have painted that picture. I question my position in life. In the simplest of terms, in the most literal of ways, in the least romantic of words, I question if I will ever be married and have a family. The irony is, I'm not even sure I want it.

[a subway ride]

Are we ever truly happy in our lives? Or are we simply satisfied that we’ve reached the status quo and complacent with our successes at the different stages of our lives?

[happy little picture holders in a happy little coffee shop]

Which brings me to my new day’s resolution (since I’ve mentioned before that I don’t believe in new year’s resolutions). To better record the ups and downs of my manic mood shifts, from wanting, desiring, needing normalcy, to craving, yearning, needing something… different. To be honest in my writing. Mostly, be honest with myself in hopes that I can someday settle on an agreeable decision on what sort of life I wish to live. What kind of path I aspire to take.

[my attempt at a carrie bradshaw setup, sans cigarette and sex talk]

But to never forget to be grateful.

aeternum vale, 2011

In the day to day scheme of things, we don't quite realize what's enfolding in our lives. In the grander scale of things, a year in a life is small. We're talking about 1/75 (an average) of your life. Yet, I'm a firm believer that the small slices of those years, the slimmest of slivers, make up for some of the most significant portions of our existence. A brief encounter, one wrong word, a slight glance. These all lend to the everday beauty and mystery of our humdrum office day.

Nonetheless, these fleeting vignettes are beautiful and mysterious precisely because they are... fleeting. The true richness and substance, I believe, comes from the lessons that are reinforced year after year. You know the kind. Not quite with the Hollywood glamour. The lessons that are evident in slowly receding hairlines, finely shaping wrinkles and softly protruding stomachs. By no means do I consider myself old, but young? Not so much. Or does that thought just reveal my silly youth?

Those lessons we learn year after year: honesty, courage, friendship, family, love... aren't learned in one momentous occassion. No. They're learned in the truthful face of a child, in the bravery of the breaths of a dying woman, in the loyalty and concern of friends thousands of miles away, in the tireless efforts of a mother to ensure a sturdy, loving home, and in the actions of a man of few words and no material things to offer but with a limitless amount of patience and warmth. These are the lessons that don't require an act of grandeur but slowly seep into you, shaping and encouraging you to become a better peraon. A better person not for the sake of yourself, but for the sake of all those who have given of themselves to you, selflessly, generously, lovingly.

I've never believed in new year's resolutions -- why wait till the next year for something you can do tomorrow, today, now? What I will settle for is another year of learning. Learning from those willing to teach. Learning from those smart enough to know the worth of a good conversation. Learning from those brave enough to love.

Here's to another fortunate year of learning, laughter, living and love.

Happy new year.

words.

It's been a long time. A long time. A new job. A new home. A new cat. The same me.

Included in my new job is a generous helping of irony. You know, the kind of serving your

mom heaps onto your plate the weekend you're visiting home from college. I enjoy the work. Don't enjoy the hours. Enjoy my co.workers. Not so much my boss. Enjoy the location. Despise my computer that shuts down thrice a day and which the IT guys insist is a.okay.

Part of the job is to explain things in a simple, straight forward, no fuss manner. Easy enough. But the irony? Turns out, explaining the simple things is pretty damn difficult. How do you explain 'but' without using words that a non-English speaker could understand? Erm...

But it's like that in life too, isn't it? The simplest things seem the most difficult to express. The simplest things using the most lucid words, just doesn't seem to clear the line of simplicity. Herein we learn the great worth and value of words.

I've met people who have spoken great things, made great promises and flailed their arms in grandiose expressions. Their words encompassed a large amount of space and reached to the outer edges of their aura. Still, it was only an outline. There was nothing inside those words. A chasm of nothing. Emptiness.

I've met people who have spoken very little. Each word heavy with meaning and depth. These are the people who find it difficult to speak. They seem to know just how costly their words are, just how invaluable. They find other ways to express their unspoken words, often at the expense of their comfort, their ease.

I still fling my words around, hoping something will stick, something will have some bit of significance. I hope to learn soon to be one of those people. Those people who speak with great effort to employ a simple message with a simple few words.