March 17, 2014

reality bites... bit

I once wrote that "philosophy is a luxury." My friend, fervent in his devotion to and admiration for philosophy strongly disagreed. Philosophy is not a luxury, but an opportunity to truly delve into the deeper ideas of humanity. True. But one has not time for that when life... all complexities of life get in the way.

I recently had a heartbreaking moment in which discussing it or sharing it with others was more hurtful than talking it through. I realized that it was moments like these that reveal a friend's character. When I decided to share with some of my close ones, their responses were sadness and mostly just support for me. Other friends were not so helpful. I could see that they were hurt mostly by me not sharing this information with them sooner. It wasn't my hurt that hurt them. It was me not sharing that hurt with them, therefore making themselves the center of my story. Well played. I suppose it's these times that show how friends accept me as me, or as a version of what they want me to be.

My schedule these days is so hectic, I'm not sure where or how to begin. It's pretty much been working/tutoring/meetings... all back to back with no rest in between. Compounded on top of issues at home and my sudden forced move from my current apartment. My own stresses I think I could handle well enough. Yet the stress and hopeless situations of those I love is kind of putting my mind into a sort of catatonic state, I don't think I can really think straight, see straight, comprehend everything I need to comprehend. I can feel the disappointment in people as they sense my lack of passion in my daily activities. My students, the parents, fellow teachers, teammates... I am going through the motions, trying to fulfill my obligations, but the zest and excitement I once had for them certainly aren't there anymore. In times like these, I suppose real friends show concern and empathy. Others show their disapproval or feel only their own loss.

In a funny way, I don't blame them. I myself am the star of my own life. And when my actions affect those around me, I suppose they can only think of how they are being disturbed, not why or how I am making these choices that have an effect on their lives. Karma for being a prima donna my whole life? Maybe.

Now, philosophy is a luxury. I'm thinking who cares about the interactions between people? Who cares about the intertwining of humanity that creates such empowering and heart wrenching stories? Who cares about the clash of personalities and the tidal wave of emotion that comes with such meetings? Reality is what is on the mind... not the what ifs or how comes...

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