the invisible man

In light of the recent events, I've been contemplating the role of men in my life. From my father to friends to the "Father," I wonder what it is that is so important about relationships with the opposite sex. It's well documented and well known that the most influential person in one's life is the father. Despite the absence of or the overbearing presence of a father, a person's life is irrevocably influenced by this man. For me, the absence of my father has been a significant presence in my life; looming over my days, dictating my interaction with the other gender. The absence has been real and tangible, an actual being in my life that was there, only untouchable.

Since my father and I are now both in Korea, within a fifteen minute subway ride from each other, I've attempted to reconcile with him through weekly dinners and long, sometimes arduous conversations. It's difficult to understand this man that is my blood. We see each other, but we cannot understand one another. I've been told I resemble him in both demeanor and looks. The latter is unquestionable. But I have to wonder about our personality and characteristics. I harbor a strange pride in our similar traits, yet that pride is compounded by an extreme desire to be the opposite of what I was born from. I wonder how long I will struggle with these divergent feelings. But I do know that these past few months of reacquainting with my father has given me new perspective on my mother. My mother empowers, encourages and edifies. I now understand better to truly appreciate these qualities of hers.

It's been said that girls without a father seek the father figure in other men. The need to be loved, cherished and protected. I don't think I've been like that in my life, but I abhor the men who cause their daughters this kind of self-doubt. Most of the times, it is quite obvious who has had good relationships with their fathers and who have not. Half the time, I feel like I've been branded on my forehead with something along the lines of, "Caution: Insecure girl from single-parent home, cynical and uptight, very bad in relationships." Maybe most girls feel this way, regardless of their background.

There are many beautiful things in life. It's impossible to name them all, but I'll share two. One is to see a couple, a good couple, working through their issues and trying their best to be happy. I've come across very few couples who have portrayed true happiness and enduring commitment, but with the thousands of weddings occurring this summer, I hope to encounter many, many more. The second is the bond of friendship. I find it harder and harder to truly connect with people on all levels. No one seems to be able to fill the void of friendships from home, or from a time that was pure fun and enjoyment. But I suppose those voids aren't meant to be filled, but only set aside as fond memories, creating room for more to come.