avert thine eyes

The past two days have been spent lounging on Nai Harn Beach. It hosts guests mostly from Europe, who it turns out love to flaunt what they've got. These European travelers are not young, adventurous thrill seekers. Nay, they are older folks, in town for exotic food and a relaxing weekend. What this means is a beach full of unabashedly nearly naked senior citizens. Yes, we're talking about teeny tiny Speedos for the gents and thong-style bottoms with no tops for the ladies. What are we not talking about? We're not talking about fit, nubile bodies. These are leathery, burnt, saggy appendages coupled with drooping other parts. From a distance, it can be difficult to place a woman from a man, as she has no top, but he's got a serious case of gynecomastia.

My reading of choice for this trip is Hemingway's For Whom the Bell Tolls. Enjoying the warm breeze, the sun on my skin and the gentle swoosh of the ocean, I was thoroughly involved with Robert Jordan and Maria, when suddenly, a shadow was cast over me. I looked up from my book and was surprised to see leather, burnt, saggy appendages coupled with drooping other parts, a teeny tiny Speedo and a pair of Ray-Bans looking down at me. "You are reading Hemingway?" he asked me in an unmistakeably Italian accent.

I was exceedingly thankful that my eyes were hidden by my sunglasses, for I could not stop staring at the heavy, lopping stomach that seemed to be inching closer and closer to my face. "Yes," I answered, while thinking "Please don't let that come any closer..."

"How is it that you can read such a book in English?"

"Well, I'm from America." That is one small "bathing suit."

"Ahhh! American! How you come here?"

"Just for a little break." My lord... he is orange.

"Not many Americans here. Americans usually go to Caribbeans."

"Yes." The folds in his neck flap when he talks.

"I'm from Treviso. Hemingway was near there."

"Treviso?" So that's what a jiggling bowlful of jelly looks like.

"Yes, yes. Near Venice."

"Oh... yes." Could that bathing suit be any smaller?

I was embarrassed out of my mind and kept my answers as short as possible. Taking the hint, the old man frolicked into the sea.

Ah, the joys of travel.